Calm, Cool, and Complicated as Hell...

I’ve come to the conclusion that I probably shouldn’t try to talk in the mornings. At least, not before my coffee is ready.

I stumble out of bed and into the kitchen to make David his lunch every morning. Yeah, yeah…like a good little ‘wifey’ should! Depending on how I slept or how much the children actually let me sleep, my mood can range anywhere from groggy, yet pleasant to downright cranky. And, since he’s actually on a schedule, his lunch usually comes before my coffee.

I’ve been taking really good care of myself lately. Honestly. I take my vitamins, don’t drink soda or eat or drink anything with sugar or flour in it. In fact, eating just a little sugar now usually guarantees me a horrible ‘hangover headache’ by the next morning. While I’ve been losing weight and maintaining it and everything, I really wish I could just have a cookie sometimes like the rest of the world! (At least, like everyone else in my house!) Let me put it this way; if it weren’t for sugar-free chocolate, I would be one cranky mommy. But, avoiding sugar and other various evils gives me more energy and has made my mornings a bit easier. In fact, the last two mornings have been particularly easy.

So easy, in fact, that for two days in a row I have thought to ask David if he slept well. Boy, does that really get the wheels spinning in his head!

“Good morning. Did you sleep okay last night?”

“You know, this is the second day in a row you’ve asked me that. Is something going on? Did I wake you up or something? Or is there a reason that I shouldn’t be sleeping well?”

The evil part of me wants to just let him stew with those thoughts for a while. Unfortunately, my evil side hadn’t yet had her coffee and wasn’t exactly at the top of her game. So, I started trying to explain to him that I was simply trying to be nice. I know…being nice to my own husband, what a concept!

I think he’s still suspicious of me.

Then, he sneezed. I gave him the customary “Bless you” and all, but I couldn’t let it end there. I had to ask, “Why do you yell when you cough or sneeze? I mean, why do you have to be so loud???”

This was not a welcome conversation to him.

He questioned what I meant by that, and I tried my best to explain it to him. When he coughs or sneezes, he yells. Plain and simple. Is he trying to make sure we all know that he’s coughing or sneezing? Is he trying to make some sort of point or something? Does his body really require a yell in order to effectively cough or sneeze? Why, when he coughs in the middle of the night, does he need to kick his legs up or sit up in bed with such force that I actually catch a little air on my side of the bed?

Of course, he took his usually defensive stance and said,

“Oh. So now you think I’m just coughing loud to get attention?”

“Noooo…that’s not exactly what I’m saying. Maybe you just need to relax a little or something. Maybe you’re trying to fight the cough or something, and that’s why it sounds like yelling.”

Yeah, he took it personally. I think I’ll take that as a hint and not try to start a conversation before I’ve had my coffee. I think it would be best for all parties involved.

Covert Parenting

Now, I'm sure we've all seen this commercial. If not, you can now:

Haven't all 'mommies' and maybe even some 'daddies' had this feeling? 'Thankless Job' is only one of the many descriptions that can be applied to being a parent. I've, personally, had many days where my husband comes home from work and looked around like nothing is changed. The laundry baskets are all empty, as all of the clothes have been washed, dried, and put away. The beds have all been stripped, their sheets washed and then put back said beds. In a family of five, those two chores alone can take most of your day.

And then there's the whole 'keeping the kids alive' thing. That, too, takes up a big chunk of one's day. But, if that pair of shoes or those toys are in the same place when he left, I'm sure he gets the feeling that nothing was really done. I can't blame him, really. But, I don't feel like I should necessarily have to explain myself either! Depending on my mood, I'll either just start spouting off the list of things I have actually done that day or I'll just remain silent, not explain myself, and then get mad at him for what he may or may not be thinking.

Oh yeah....we're SO MARRIED!!!

Essentially, this brings us back to the whole 'being a mommy can be a thankless job' thing. In many ways, we are all invisible. Just like the lady in the Suave commercial.

Hearing my husband stampede down our tile hallway this morning like a herd of cattle made me realize that being invisible also has its perks. I've sort of developed the habit of walking quietly down our hallway. I've had enough years of babies sleeping to know that you don't tempt fate. Every minute that the baby sleeps is precious to the tired mommy. When a child should be about to fall asleep and they hear their mother outside their door, that often leads to crying. Also, there are certain advantages to silently observing your older children in their natural habitat. It's nice to get a glimpse of them playing without their knowledge. It's good to know firsthand whether or not 11YO is playing mind games to make 4YO cry, or if she's just being dramatic. Also, nothing disrupts children entertaining themselves like the sudden realization that their mother is nearby. You know, the one who can do stuff for them. That's a pretty hot commodity in our house.

Even my beanpole of an 11YO can sound like a herd of cattle once she has her shoes on in the morning. She usually the first one up in the morning to shower and dress. Until she leaves, our mornings are often filled with the 'clomp clomp clomp' of her tennis shoes on the tile floor as she runs up and down the hall. And because I'm a mom, it only bothers me due to the fact that it might be bothering someone else. I am annoyed at the mere possibilty of anyone else in my family being annoyed.

Does that even make any sense?

Probably not. But I'm sure the fact that I've been known to hold my bladder rather than to creep down the hallway at the wrong time and risk being spotted by a child isn't all that reasonable either.

'StealthMommy' must not be seen or heard.

For now, that works for me. It's nice to fade into the scenery for a bit. Like I said, being invisible has its perks.