Gains, Losses, and Running Errands Dressed Like an Old-Timey Stagecoach Robber

 Seriously...has going to the bank EVER been this much fun before? I think not! 😂

     Like so many others, my feelings are all over the place when it comes to this lockdown/pandemic/quarantine thing. I am appreciating things I never gave myself time to think about in my pre-pandemic life. Like most things in life, this situation has resulted in pretty much all of us winning some, losing some, and grasping like crazy for a reason for all this. (Because there was a reason for all the other pandemics in the history of the world, right?)

     Since my time is no longer short, but my attention span still remains much like that of a goldfish with a brain injury, I've decided to list the good, the bad, gains, and losses in bullet points. 

Here are some things that have increased in my life since the 2020 pandemic:

•  The number of days I go between washing my hair is so much longer than I'd ever imagined. At one point, I actually put dry shampoo in my hair to go outside and get my mail. I didn't want to end up on a neighborhood Facebook group as the alleged homeless woman who has been seen going through people's mailboxes. If anyone has ever considered trying the "No Poo Method," can you think of a better time than now?
•  My alcohol tolerance has most definitely increased over these past two months. Pretty soon, my classes toward my masters degree will start up. Then, I will most definitely need my brain. Until then, well...it's 5 o'clock somewhere, right? I mean, it's not likely I have anywhere to be. And neither do most of you! Once I need my brain, my alcohol consumption will go back down to being a treat instead of an almost daily thing. Until then...
• The size of pants I wear has also increased. Not substantially, but it's hard to know for sure when the things I usually wear are stretchy and have elastic waistbands. I was doing really well right before this whole shelter in place thing came about. I even did well the first month or so after it began. But, without a clear end date in sight for all of this, I'm just going to take my life one beer and tortilla chip at a time. Who's with me?
• My paranoia of germs and other people has grown exponentially these past couple of months. I have always habitually held my breath when I walk past a person who appears to have any sort of communicable illness. I've never really worried about disinfecting shopping cart handles, because healthy people shop too. However, I don't read the magazines in doctors' offices because the odds of sick people reading them first are too high for me. While my methods of staying away from cooties might not be completely sound, they work for me. Not only do I now fear the potential germs from other people, but I fear the ones that I might be carrying and don't know about yet. Waking up with a stuffy nose and dry cough has never been more terrifying, until you realize you slept with the window open, it's spring, you feel the accompanying sinus pain and pressure that comes with seasonal allergies (especially when it's windy!) and you remember that you always have a dry, tight cough until you use your inhaler! 
• We have most definitely increased the use of our pool. This time of year, we are typically too busy with softball and school to spend much time in it. Once school is out, we still don't use the pool much because of travel softball. When one family member can't swim and wear herself out on game or practice days, how can the rest of us really enjoy it? I spent my Mother's Day floating around the pool in the sun, cold beer in hand. It. Was. Fantastic.

Here are a few things that have decreased in the past two months, and counting:

• My patience for the people I live with has dwindled over the past two months. Have they always chewed like that? Why can I hear them breathing? Why are they all still here? Have they always sounded like that when they eat cereal? Have they always eaten this much cereal? Cereal should be outlawed. Who buys this stuff?
• The number of pants in my closet that fit me has been reduced, especially in just this past month. There are no rules anymore, what can I say? 
• The amount of laundry I have to do has gone down a bit. I mean, how can we have so much laundry when we don't get dressed and leave the house very often?
• Sadly, the number of steps I take each day has also been shrinking. My smartwatch is pretty much mocking me these days. The sleep tracking app I use likes to act like it's giving me the benefit of the doubt by advising me to "wear my watch during the day to see a difference in my average heart rate between sleeping and being awake." Apparently, there is supposed to be a difference! I am living proof that there is no difference when you don't physically move much during the day! SLOTHS OF THE WORLD, UNITE! 
• Lastly, my motivation took a serious crap. It's gone. What day is it? Who cares? I'd better get this task done, or else...NOTHING WILL HAPPEN. Starting school again will at least give me some sort of structure from which to build the rest of my life around. Until then...I honestly don't know how I will be able to account for myself or my actions without any structure. 

I should not be left unsupervised...

Jack in the Box, Identifying with Crime Dramas, and Staying in Your Seat

Jack wants to know if it's safe to come out of the box. Sorry Jack, NO ONE knows the correct answer to that!

     Last night, I had a dream that I ran into someone, and they told me I looked like I had lost a lot of weight. I mean, I definitely haven't, but I didn't realize how much I needed to hear something like that. Hell, even if I did lose a significant amount of weight, my current quarantine crew probably  wouldn't really be able to see it past the three-day-old leggings and oversize t-shirts covered in tortilla chip crumbs. 

     Okay, so what's the longest you have gone without washing your hair? Wait...don't answer that! Everyone's answer is usually their own, personal acceptable length of time and any different answer leaves them open to judge or be judged and THERE IS NO ROOM FOR ANYMORE JUDGEMENT IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. We are all gross, so we need to accept this about ourselves and those around us, even if their version of gross differs from ours. We should be taking our cues from the southern states when it comes to our crazy; don't hide it, put it on the front porch and give it a cocktail. 

     Thanks to social media and all the day drinking occurring all over the world, people have gotten more and more comfortable letting their hygiene-lacking freak flags fly...and I couldn't be more entertained. In case you haven't noticed, the jokes about homeschooling have started to wane. I think it's because the concept of being responsible for overseeing our children't education stopped being funny about two weeks ago. Many school districts decided, weeks ago even, that the rest of this school year would be carried out via distance learning. Other districts are holding onto hope that somehow the last week or two of traditional school will somehow be salvageable. I honestly cannot disagree with either viewpoint. If we have learned anything about how the world is working right now, we have to realize their are no right answers. This whole pandemic is one big grey area of unknown, damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't situations. I don't envy the people who actually have to make these decisions. People are going to get screwed no matter how we go about this. This almost seems like the worst kind of zero-sum game. Someone almost always loses in order to benefit someone else. 

     And these people I live with? Why are they all still here? Sure, David gets up and goes to work five days a week, like always. In fact, his hours are more like his hours during the holidays, only without all the festivities and catchy music. That almost makes it harder to share space with him, though. He's out, working is ass off, while we are all at home. We really don't appear to be pulling our weight in the world right now, but how can we? We mostly just float around the house, dabbling in one distraction after another. Our brains have realized that we have nothing to look forward to, so accomplishing anything of significance feels impossible. Can we even consider any of this procrastination when there are literally no deadlines? All we really know we have is right in front of us right now. I'm trying to learn how to live in the moment better, by watching our dogs. No one lives in the moment like Leo! He has fun on walks, but it's still an ordeal to walk him. He begins the walk by pulling, trying to go as quickly as possible and smell as many icky things as possible. When he gets tired, he will just stop and fall over in the nearest patch of weeds. He lives his best life in every moment, no matter what lies ahead, or how far away from home we might be.

Leo and 17YO take a much needed break during an afternoon stroll. Nobody lives in the moment quite like Leo!

     It amazes me how much I still have to learn about these people with whom I share a home. For example, did you know that 14YO likes to repetitively tap random objects when she's near me? I mean, I know the kid is known for her never ending energy, but I have started to get really angry (triggered, if you will) when she does the tapping. 17YO either sleeps all day, works on schoolwork, or follows me around, starting me as if there is some need of hers that I am not meeting adequately. (It's usually because she wants Taco Bell, but not always.) I'm a little worried that some of our family stories might be used as inspiration for a future episode of Criminal Minds, or maybe Snapped! I've also learned a few things about myself during this misadventure. I have learned that hearing someone eat cereal nearby can trigger both rage and nausea, simultaneously. These people go through a lot of milk and cereal. I used to view it as YAY! If they eat cereal, I don't have to cook! Now, I would rather cook a large meal than sit and endure the chomping and slurping on what feels like an endless loop.

     This afternoon, as 14YO lounged in the pool, she told me how bittersweet this time at home was. She misses her friends and softball terribly, but she was excited to say this is the first time in years that her shoulders are the same color as the rest of her arms. She truly does usually spend most of her spring and summer in a softball uniform! Most of the time, she's pretty good at finding silver linings and having a good time no matter where she is.

Hmm...maybe Leo is rubbing off on some of us after all!

     In the meantime, I alternate between seeing all this time at home as a gift, and pacing various rooms like a caged animal. Is there a way we are supposed to feel about all this? I am worried about the people who are especially at risk if they catch this virus. I'm worried about the economy, especially small business that are stuck in terrible circumstances where they are not producing income, but the bills to keep their businesses afloat are still piling up. I'm worried about the people who don't take any of this seriously and continue to live their best social lives, putting many others at risk. I'm worried about the mental health of those who need support and are spending so much time alone that it's pushing them into a very dark place. I'm worried about teachers and students in the K12 system that have been thrown into a crash course in distance learning, especially those in the elementary level. The teachers and parents of that age group are feeling so much pressure in a whole new world. 

     Let me tell you, I have been a substitute teacher in a few elementary school classrooms. Like many adults in this world right now, a lot of those children don't stay in their seats. Many of them have the attention span of a goldfish with a brain injury. They are fun, but they are a whole different level of exhausting! Even when schools are opened again, it's being said that they will still try to practice social distancing in the classroom. With the older kids, I can almost see that. I mean, the class sizes would have to be much smaller. Maybe an alternating schedule could be put in place, so that all the students aren't to be on campus at the same time? But, telling any number of second graders not to invade each other's space and to keep their hands to themselves would almost be pointless. This kind of stuff is difficult for most adults to wrap their heads around, much less our children. In the first grade, all three of my daughters learned a song about how getting four hugs a day should be the minimum. Should we rewrite that song?

Six feet awaaaaaay...that's the minimum,

Six feet awaaaaay...no-ot the maximum!

   And on that note, stay safe and try to be kind.

     

Cat Pictures, Country Potatoes, and the Five Stages of Quarantine

"Seriously woman, you need to find a hobby!"

Day 23 of the Hostage Situation...err, I mean, family bonding time!

     I get to leave the house on occasion, so...uh...that's pretty cool. Grabbing groceries and the occasional curbside pickup for food are my only real reasons for going anywhere. The girls are happy to go with me, even if they stay in the car the whole time. People watching in a parking lot is still a change in scenery, and they are happy for any type of change at this point! 

     There have been a lot of great things coming out of this whole situation, in spite of all the fear and hopelessness the media often portrays. Parades are being organized for the kids who have birthdays and aren't able to celebrate. People are pitching in by sewing masks and delivering groceries to the elderly and people with already compromised health conditions. In so many ways, we are so fortunate and should see this situation for the gift that it is. We are spending more time with family and aren't so stressed out with the typical hustle and bustle that most of us normally endure. 

     In the beginning, I feel like our cats were pretty happy to have us here. Now, they seem over it. Take Theo, for example. His face in the photo above is pretty much his face these days. It's as if he no longer appreciates our presence! Right? I was surprised, too! I mean, he should feel loved when we are constantly picking him up, kissing him, and shoving our phones in his face to capture just how adorable he is. 

     On my last shopping adventure, I picked up a large bag of potatoes. I figure potatoes are something I don't ordinarily keep around because I get busy and forget about them if I don't use them right away. I normally buy smaller bags of them for a meal I know I will make in the next day or two, mostly  because I know myself and how easily I can forget about things like that. 

Seriously, have you ever forgotten about a bag of potatoes and then wondered why it smelled like a dead body decomposing somewhere in the pantry? 

     This morning, I decided to use a good amount of that bag of potatoes to make some country potatoes. BOY HOWDY! I never knew it took so long to make those stinking things! I'm not kidding, it took me a good two hours just to make those damn things. They turned out tasty, but I'm still not sure why it doesn't cost a hundred dollars to order them in a restaurant. I, for one, will have a whole new appreciation for those things when someone else makes them! I'm likely to never make them again after this.

     In spite of all the human kindness we have witnessed, the needed time with our immediate families, and some of the best memes I have ever seen, what we are all experiencing, in one way or another, is grief. We are grieving all the things in our lives we don't have, like social interaction. Grandparents cannot hug their grandchildren, no one can just decide to meet up with a friend for a cup of coffee, and many cannot do their jobs, resulting in no paycheck. I've also noticed a pattern in how people deal with this quarantine, which is so similar to how people deal with grief in general.

The Five Stages of Quarantine

1) Denial

At first, it was really tough to wrap our heads around the fact that this whole quarantine thing is real. This has never happened in my lifetime, since nothing this tragic has ever been this close to home for most of us. Is this really happening, or am I dreaming? Is Ashton Kutcher going to pop out and tell us we've all been Punk'd? No gatherings more than 50 people? That shouldn't change things too much, I guess. Should it? Either way, this will all blow over in a few weeks and life will go back to normal. 

2) Anger

We start to feel angry because things in life that are normally as plentiful as we'd like are severely limited. If this doesn't end, high school and college seniors will be robbed of a proper graduation ceremony. And what about parties? People have to work hard to get to this point, but what will it mean without being able to celebrate it with their friends and families in the traditional ways? Sports are put on hold, both school and travel. Who could have predicted that many of these kids' last practice would be their last practice for the school year? What about birthdays? While I tend to think most of us go overboard to celebrate our kids' birthdays, even a simple cake and ice cream celebration with family and a few friends is off the table. People began judging each other about how they live their lives, if they aren't practicing proper social distancing. Public shaming begins to get more and more common. My girls were getting angry that I wouldn't let them hang out with friends anymore and we argued about it a lot. 

3) Bargaining

We start looking for loopholes. We try to justify going places and seeing people because we "feel fine." While that's certainly commendable, this virus is known for allowing people to feel perfectly fine and still be contagious. While you are fine, how many people do you come into contact with? This is a situation that no one has really been through before, so it's hard to wrap our brains around it and take it seriously. I mean, we are now looking toward  introverted, agoraphobic germaphobes for guidance. There is a small portion of the population that is truly living their best lives right now, with all the social pressures and obligations being on hold right now. 

Has anyone reached the end of Netflix yet? I feel like we're almost there! 

4) Depression

We feel really sad that we realize this is our new, even if temporary, normal. Will things ever truly return to normal? Will my children EVER go back to school? Why do we even get dressed each day? (spoiler alert: most of us don't!)  Do you realize that many of the aspects of the lifestyle we are forced to abide by are also on the list as symptoms of depression? People who suffer from depression likely aren't getting the social support they need. People who thrive on social interaction are also getting depressed. Thanks to social media, FaceTime, Skype, and Zoom, people can still connect with others. It's important that people reach out and do whatever they can to not feel so isolated during this strange time in our lives. Fresh air, sunshine, and exercise ALWAYS help, if even just a little. 

5) Acceptance

This will not last forever, but this is how things have to be right now. And it's totally worth it if we are truly able to contain this crazy virus that has now affected everyone in one way or another. The girls no longer argue about seeing their friends. 14YO has started baking. She has also become nocturnal, spending the nights baking cookies and drinking milk, based on how quickly we've been going through butter and gallons of milk recently! 17YO has rearranged her room multiple times, even painting the blades of her ceiling fan and moving shelves around. When she heads toward her room with a power drill, we don't question it. She knows what she wants to do and will figure out how to do it, always leaving things better than she found them. 

     In the meantime, kids are being guided through their education by their teachers, at a distance, and their day-drinking parents, in the home. There really are no rules anymore! Up is down, down is up! The things that are normally necessary to be healthy could possibly kill you, and the people you love. You are more likely to be negatively judged for standing too closely to another person than for staying in the same clothes for days at a time or consuming alcohol early in the day. Still, the store shelves are empty of toilet paper, bleach, Lysol, and hand sanitizer. The market has been disrupted, especially concerning toilet paper. People panic-bought it all in the beginning of this thing, which now results in people panic-buying it whenever they can find it. As long as I have a couple of week's worth on hand, I'm not going to stress about it. Between watching Tiger King, seeing all the memes about washing hands, touching your face, and toilet paper, I will continue to be entertained by how different people are handling things...especially the ones making the memes. KEEP 'EM COMING! 

Keeping Up When Everything is Standing Still

I finally got around to updating my calendar.

How on earth will I keep this all straight?

     No more than a month ago, 14YO was looking at the calendar on the side of the fridge. Most of us have a calendar on our phones to keep us abreast of what's going on, but I like to have a main, centrally located calendar we can all see at a glance. I've honestly been better at keeping this thing up-to-date than I thought I'd be. I even use different colored dry erase markers for each person, though David and I usually share the same color. 14YO's things are usually in blue, while 17YO's things are in red. It helps to see it all in one place and I would probably be lost (or more lost, anyway) without it. Since the youngest in the house happens to also be the busiest (and cannot drive herself anywhere yet), this calendar is usually more blue than any other color. 

     Despite the fact that this thing has been updated pretty consistently and the colors have remained the same, it was on this day not even a month ago when 14YO happened to look at the calendar and say, "All of the blue stuff is just mine?" I held back what I was really thinking and curtly replied, "YEP." Once the little turd had confirmed that our world pretty much does revolve around her, she chuckled and said, "That's pretty lit."

And then she walked away.

     You see, this kid never really stops. She plays travel softball in the spring, summer, and fall. She takes weekly pitching lessons. She plays on school teams for a couple of different sports as well. Between school and friends and sports, my kid is living her best life and I'm her ride. And now...

THERE. IS. NOTHING.

     No practices, no games, no school, and no gatherings of any kind. 17YO's prom might be canceled, and it definitely won't happen on its originally scheduled date. We are all getting antsy and anxious for what's to come. Their schools have now pushed the return date back to the beginning of May. If they do go back then, how is this all going to work? The last month of school is normally so chaotic, but imagine trying to cram extra activities of the five or six weeks missed into that last month as well. 

*shudders*

     I'm not sure if cabin fever has completely set in, but the inability to just go somewhere and see people is starting to wear on me at times. I usually alternate between viewing this time at home as a gift and a hostage situation. I really get why we need to stay away from each other, but not everyone sees it that way. We're really fortunate to live in a time where so many jobs can be done remotely. Thanks to programs like Zoom, teachers are able to connect with their classes and explain lessons, with everyone staying safely in their own homes. Without a better screening process to catch this thing before it spreads or, even better, a vaccine, we need to keep from going places and touching each other just a little bit longer. 

     In the meantime, 14YO is attempting to bake a cake from scratch. Her attention span is pretty close to that of a goldfish with a brain injury, so we're all a little nervous. She just confused cups with teaspoons and was about to add 1 3/4 cups of baking powder to her mix. If this girl had her own cooking show, it would be found in the comedy section! And only the bravest audience members would want to try her creations. And her show would likely be sponsored by Pepto Bismol and Tums. Don't worry, she can laugh at herself....we taught her how!

     Here are a few of the things I am hearing as I type this:

"This cake is going to be BOMB DOT COM."

14YO-"After I finish this cake, they will be calling me Bobby Boucher."

Me-"The Waterboy?"

14YO-"Who?"

Me-"Do you mean Bobby Flay?"

14YO-"Isn't that Adam Sandler?"

Me-"....."

"Mom, what color should I make this cake? I never see green cakes, so I'll make it green."

(Luckily, she changed her mind about that one!)

     At least we can say that this experience is a good exercise in her reading comprehension skills and her understanding of science. Or so we can hope. This is a good time to go back to basics in a lot of ways. Board games, jigsaw puzzles, books, and family walks are usually forgotten in the rush of everyday life. When you get sick of that stuff, there's always Tiger King!

“If I were home more, I’d...”

            You guys, is this real life right now? It still feels like we are in a movie. A comedic thriller, of sorts, combining your worst fears with some of the best memes of all time. We joke, but not because we don’t respect the reality of the circumstances. We joke because we need a reason to laugh now, more than ever.

            I’ve ignored this blog for years now. A lot has happened the past few years. I earned my bachelor’s degree in psychology. I am about to start applying to get my master’s degree…if I ever nail down the one I want to pursue. The Paradox of Choice is so real in my life right now! The oldest of my spawn is married now. The baby of the family is about to be in high school. My middle daughter continues to make me feel like she is the one raising me, and she is less than a year away from being a legal adult herself. Needless to say, life keeps David and I pretty busy. In fact, I spend a lot of time making excuses for my shortcomings by saying things like, “If I were home more…”

            Well, guess what? I’m home more for the time being. David’s job is still considered essential, so he leaves for work everyday. But the rest of us…we are HOME. School, travel sports, and my current position as a substitute teacher are all on hold indefinitely. I know we will get back to our regularly scheduled chaos eventually, but that chaos is something I find myself regularly complaining about. Personally, I don’t do well with little downtime. I need time to withdraw, escape, allow my mind to wander and process all the things. All the things just feels like too many things, most days. It’s safe to say that I identify the most with my self-proclaimed introvert friends. I would rather sit somewhere quiet and read. In fact, the busiest times in my life will find me giving up several hours of sleep, just to find that time alone I crave. 

            This week, I’ve really had a chance to think about the things I would like to get done with this gift of time that has been bestowed upon me. My girls still have homework online, so that needs to be a priority. 14YO (yes, the baby!) is working on Punnett squares, and I am sort of geeking out in the hopes she lets me help her. It took me one human biology course to realize how much I enjoy Punnett squares. Apparently, I’m way more of a nerd than I ever allowed myself to realize. 

            I’m okay with that. 

            The first task I tried to knock out was cleaning up my laundry room. While I’m definitely not finished, I made a huge dent in there. Did you know I have a sink in there? I mean, I guess I knew that, but it’s just been so long since I’ve seen it. At some point, a few small pieces of laundry must have fallen off the top of washer and into the sink. I found little, bitty odd socks and teensy-tiny panties. It’s been such a long time since anyone in this house had such small feet or such a pint-sized backside. Yes, it’s been that long since I’ve seen the bottom of that sink! I didn’t get much use out of the sink for several reasons, so it’s no wonder it’s been so long. But, it’s still ridiculous nonetheless. The faucet is “splashy” and makes more of a mess than is worth it, and the newer front-loading washing machine and dryer are larger than those types of machines were when this house was built. The sink is back in the corner, and there’s not really adequate space to make it easily accessible. 

            But my usual excuse of “I’m not home enough” is not really going to cut it, given the current circumstances. So, I plan to try to work on those things that I always put off, because I’m “never home.” My two youngest have also started to do things they don’t usually have the opportunity to do. For instance, they have been fighting more. Now, I’m not talking about the usual bickering that comes with fighting over clothes or who gets to choose dinner. These girls have the opportunity to fight over actual space, leading to pushing, screaming, and chasing each other with spray bottles. I, for one, love it. Those kinds of fights have always been so typical between siblings, but often get missed because we are all too busy to really infringe on each other’s space. 

            That is so sad to me! I feel like we learn so much about ourselves and other people when we have those typical squabbles with our siblings. Also, our world just became a whole lot smaller, even if it’s only temporary. We are bound to have to elbow each other out of our way at one point. 

            So, there might be quite a few more posts from me over the coming weeks. I mean, what else I am going to do with my time? (Besides sharing memes...I will be doing that no matter what!)