Gains, Losses, and Running Errands Dressed Like an Old-Timey Stagecoach Robber

 Seriously...has going to the bank EVER been this much fun before? I think not! 😂

     Like so many others, my feelings are all over the place when it comes to this lockdown/pandemic/quarantine thing. I am appreciating things I never gave myself time to think about in my pre-pandemic life. Like most things in life, this situation has resulted in pretty much all of us winning some, losing some, and grasping like crazy for a reason for all this. (Because there was a reason for all the other pandemics in the history of the world, right?)

     Since my time is no longer short, but my attention span still remains much like that of a goldfish with a brain injury, I've decided to list the good, the bad, gains, and losses in bullet points. 

Here are some things that have increased in my life since the 2020 pandemic:

•  The number of days I go between washing my hair is so much longer than I'd ever imagined. At one point, I actually put dry shampoo in my hair to go outside and get my mail. I didn't want to end up on a neighborhood Facebook group as the alleged homeless woman who has been seen going through people's mailboxes. If anyone has ever considered trying the "No Poo Method," can you think of a better time than now?
•  My alcohol tolerance has most definitely increased over these past two months. Pretty soon, my classes toward my masters degree will start up. Then, I will most definitely need my brain. Until then, well...it's 5 o'clock somewhere, right? I mean, it's not likely I have anywhere to be. And neither do most of you! Once I need my brain, my alcohol consumption will go back down to being a treat instead of an almost daily thing. Until then...
• The size of pants I wear has also increased. Not substantially, but it's hard to know for sure when the things I usually wear are stretchy and have elastic waistbands. I was doing really well right before this whole shelter in place thing came about. I even did well the first month or so after it began. But, without a clear end date in sight for all of this, I'm just going to take my life one beer and tortilla chip at a time. Who's with me?
• My paranoia of germs and other people has grown exponentially these past couple of months. I have always habitually held my breath when I walk past a person who appears to have any sort of communicable illness. I've never really worried about disinfecting shopping cart handles, because healthy people shop too. However, I don't read the magazines in doctors' offices because the odds of sick people reading them first are too high for me. While my methods of staying away from cooties might not be completely sound, they work for me. Not only do I now fear the potential germs from other people, but I fear the ones that I might be carrying and don't know about yet. Waking up with a stuffy nose and dry cough has never been more terrifying, until you realize you slept with the window open, it's spring, you feel the accompanying sinus pain and pressure that comes with seasonal allergies (especially when it's windy!) and you remember that you always have a dry, tight cough until you use your inhaler! 
• We have most definitely increased the use of our pool. This time of year, we are typically too busy with softball and school to spend much time in it. Once school is out, we still don't use the pool much because of travel softball. When one family member can't swim and wear herself out on game or practice days, how can the rest of us really enjoy it? I spent my Mother's Day floating around the pool in the sun, cold beer in hand. It. Was. Fantastic.

Here are a few things that have decreased in the past two months, and counting:

• My patience for the people I live with has dwindled over the past two months. Have they always chewed like that? Why can I hear them breathing? Why are they all still here? Have they always sounded like that when they eat cereal? Have they always eaten this much cereal? Cereal should be outlawed. Who buys this stuff?
• The number of pants in my closet that fit me has been reduced, especially in just this past month. There are no rules anymore, what can I say? 
• The amount of laundry I have to do has gone down a bit. I mean, how can we have so much laundry when we don't get dressed and leave the house very often?
• Sadly, the number of steps I take each day has also been shrinking. My smartwatch is pretty much mocking me these days. The sleep tracking app I use likes to act like it's giving me the benefit of the doubt by advising me to "wear my watch during the day to see a difference in my average heart rate between sleeping and being awake." Apparently, there is supposed to be a difference! I am living proof that there is no difference when you don't physically move much during the day! SLOTHS OF THE WORLD, UNITE! 
• Lastly, my motivation took a serious crap. It's gone. What day is it? Who cares? I'd better get this task done, or else...NOTHING WILL HAPPEN. Starting school again will at least give me some sort of structure from which to build the rest of my life around. Until then...I honestly don't know how I will be able to account for myself or my actions without any structure. 

I should not be left unsupervised...

Jack in the Box, Identifying with Crime Dramas, and Staying in Your Seat

Jack wants to know if it's safe to come out of the box. Sorry Jack, NO ONE knows the correct answer to that!

     Last night, I had a dream that I ran into someone, and they told me I looked like I had lost a lot of weight. I mean, I definitely haven't, but I didn't realize how much I needed to hear something like that. Hell, even if I did lose a significant amount of weight, my current quarantine crew probably  wouldn't really be able to see it past the three-day-old leggings and oversize t-shirts covered in tortilla chip crumbs. 

     Okay, so what's the longest you have gone without washing your hair? Wait...don't answer that! Everyone's answer is usually their own, personal acceptable length of time and any different answer leaves them open to judge or be judged and THERE IS NO ROOM FOR ANYMORE JUDGEMENT IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. We are all gross, so we need to accept this about ourselves and those around us, even if their version of gross differs from ours. We should be taking our cues from the southern states when it comes to our crazy; don't hide it, put it on the front porch and give it a cocktail. 

     Thanks to social media and all the day drinking occurring all over the world, people have gotten more and more comfortable letting their hygiene-lacking freak flags fly...and I couldn't be more entertained. In case you haven't noticed, the jokes about homeschooling have started to wane. I think it's because the concept of being responsible for overseeing our children't education stopped being funny about two weeks ago. Many school districts decided, weeks ago even, that the rest of this school year would be carried out via distance learning. Other districts are holding onto hope that somehow the last week or two of traditional school will somehow be salvageable. I honestly cannot disagree with either viewpoint. If we have learned anything about how the world is working right now, we have to realize their are no right answers. This whole pandemic is one big grey area of unknown, damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't situations. I don't envy the people who actually have to make these decisions. People are going to get screwed no matter how we go about this. This almost seems like the worst kind of zero-sum game. Someone almost always loses in order to benefit someone else. 

     And these people I live with? Why are they all still here? Sure, David gets up and goes to work five days a week, like always. In fact, his hours are more like his hours during the holidays, only without all the festivities and catchy music. That almost makes it harder to share space with him, though. He's out, working is ass off, while we are all at home. We really don't appear to be pulling our weight in the world right now, but how can we? We mostly just float around the house, dabbling in one distraction after another. Our brains have realized that we have nothing to look forward to, so accomplishing anything of significance feels impossible. Can we even consider any of this procrastination when there are literally no deadlines? All we really know we have is right in front of us right now. I'm trying to learn how to live in the moment better, by watching our dogs. No one lives in the moment like Leo! He has fun on walks, but it's still an ordeal to walk him. He begins the walk by pulling, trying to go as quickly as possible and smell as many icky things as possible. When he gets tired, he will just stop and fall over in the nearest patch of weeds. He lives his best life in every moment, no matter what lies ahead, or how far away from home we might be.

Leo and 17YO take a much needed break during an afternoon stroll. Nobody lives in the moment quite like Leo!

     It amazes me how much I still have to learn about these people with whom I share a home. For example, did you know that 14YO likes to repetitively tap random objects when she's near me? I mean, I know the kid is known for her never ending energy, but I have started to get really angry (triggered, if you will) when she does the tapping. 17YO either sleeps all day, works on schoolwork, or follows me around, starting me as if there is some need of hers that I am not meeting adequately. (It's usually because she wants Taco Bell, but not always.) I'm a little worried that some of our family stories might be used as inspiration for a future episode of Criminal Minds, or maybe Snapped! I've also learned a few things about myself during this misadventure. I have learned that hearing someone eat cereal nearby can trigger both rage and nausea, simultaneously. These people go through a lot of milk and cereal. I used to view it as YAY! If they eat cereal, I don't have to cook! Now, I would rather cook a large meal than sit and endure the chomping and slurping on what feels like an endless loop.

     This afternoon, as 14YO lounged in the pool, she told me how bittersweet this time at home was. She misses her friends and softball terribly, but she was excited to say this is the first time in years that her shoulders are the same color as the rest of her arms. She truly does usually spend most of her spring and summer in a softball uniform! Most of the time, she's pretty good at finding silver linings and having a good time no matter where she is.

Hmm...maybe Leo is rubbing off on some of us after all!

     In the meantime, I alternate between seeing all this time at home as a gift, and pacing various rooms like a caged animal. Is there a way we are supposed to feel about all this? I am worried about the people who are especially at risk if they catch this virus. I'm worried about the economy, especially small business that are stuck in terrible circumstances where they are not producing income, but the bills to keep their businesses afloat are still piling up. I'm worried about the people who don't take any of this seriously and continue to live their best social lives, putting many others at risk. I'm worried about the mental health of those who need support and are spending so much time alone that it's pushing them into a very dark place. I'm worried about teachers and students in the K12 system that have been thrown into a crash course in distance learning, especially those in the elementary level. The teachers and parents of that age group are feeling so much pressure in a whole new world. 

     Let me tell you, I have been a substitute teacher in a few elementary school classrooms. Like many adults in this world right now, a lot of those children don't stay in their seats. Many of them have the attention span of a goldfish with a brain injury. They are fun, but they are a whole different level of exhausting! Even when schools are opened again, it's being said that they will still try to practice social distancing in the classroom. With the older kids, I can almost see that. I mean, the class sizes would have to be much smaller. Maybe an alternating schedule could be put in place, so that all the students aren't to be on campus at the same time? But, telling any number of second graders not to invade each other's space and to keep their hands to themselves would almost be pointless. This kind of stuff is difficult for most adults to wrap their heads around, much less our children. In the first grade, all three of my daughters learned a song about how getting four hugs a day should be the minimum. Should we rewrite that song?

Six feet awaaaaaay...that's the minimum,

Six feet awaaaaay...no-ot the maximum!

   And on that note, stay safe and try to be kind.