March 13, 2009

Teenagers, the Mall, and the People Who Go There

I had to go to the MALL today.

Shutup! That's like the WORST place in the world to spend time at! SERIOUSLY!!!

Tomorrow is 12YO's birthday. (So, I guess as of THEN she'll be known as '13YO.' Like you hadn't figured that one out! HA!) Upon asking her what she wanted for her birthday, (why do I do these things to myself?) she told me, "ALL I WANT is something from Hollister!"


The only Hollister we have around here is in a mall. (Or, as a veeeery wise lady I know online calls it, 'THE MAUL.' I knew I liked Lisa for a reason!) I had a few errands to run and my mom was gracious enough to take 3YO for me so I could get them done more easily. (Okay, so she got something out of it too, but she's GRANDMA so EVERYBODY WINS!) I dropped 3YO by Grandma's house and to my first stop: The bank. That was done quickly and easily, which was good because my next stop would be the DREADED MAUL.

First of all, where on earth do all these people come from? It's the middle of the day and the parking lot is CROWDED. I have to drive up and down many aisles to find a spot, and not because I wouldn't settle for anything but a front spot. I didn't care. I actually prefer to park toward the back of the lot so I can make a quick getaway.

Like I said, I HATE THE MALL!!!

Okay, so I'm annoyed that there are so many people and cars there and I'm annoyed that so many of them just pull out in front of you without even looking. I'm glad that ONE OF US was paying attention, and that I hadn't actually been INSIDE the mall yet so I wasn't all shaky and tense.

Now, who of us actually GOES to the mall in the middle of the day, anyway? Bored housewives? I mean, they do have a play area....but still. I guess I just have so many things to do before I'd sit in a mall and watch my kid climb on some giant structure riddled with influenza and other various cooties. Sunlight is a natural disinfectant, people! Most things are so expensive that I don't see how people can pay for them with a clear conscience. Even if you have the money, do you really need that stupid shirt that costs a hundred dollars? I mean, really?

And the people are HORRID at the mall. Not all of them, but so many of them are just wretched. They are grumpy and selfish and many of them have way more time and money than they have sense! And to be there in the middle of the day, one would either have to be a stay-at-home-mom, one who works the night shift, independently weathly people who aren't tied down to a 9-5 job, or a teenager who's ditching school.

I gotta be honest, I didn't see a lot of strollers.

Another thing I cannot handle about the mall is the SMELL. I know I tend to be a bit sensitive when it comes to perfumes and colognes and such, but that place gives me a flippin' headache! Not only does the mall, in general, reek of cheap cologne, but they strategically place these men all over the place who wear enough cologne to fumigate a small town of all their pests. I can't get that stinking smell out of my nose! I swear, my nosehairs must absorb it or something! I walked past this one guy and got dizzy for a minute. I think he has his own theories about personal hygiene and WHETHER YOU NEED TO ACTUALLY SHOWER OR RATHER JUST APPLY MORE COLOGNE. I believe this guy chose option 'B.'

Once I get in the mall, I don't actually know where Hollister is. HEY! I seriously never go there!!! So, I start at one end and am relieved when it's less than halfway down the stinkin' maul. I almost missed the store because the storefront looks more like a tiki hut or a bar than a clothing store. It's dark inside, as if it's empty. But, it's not empty at all! In fact, it's CHOCK FULL of merchandise that very few of us can afford! I walked straight to the back and had no idea where to start. On my way back to the front, I found a salesperson who greeted me immediately. She was actually very sweet and helpful. After she greeted me, this is what I said:

"Um, yeah hi. First of all, let me just tell you that I HATE the mall so I've never been here before. My daughter is turning 13 tomorrow and ALL SHE WANTS is something from 'HOLLISTER.' Unfortunately, she was cursed by being born to a CHEAP MOM. Do you have a clearance rack?"

She was more than accomodating and took me straight back to their clearance section. She pointed out all the racks and tables that were reduced and was really very gracious about it. She offered to answer any questions I had before she left me to look around. Now, their version of 'clearance' isn't exactly what I'm used to. But, it wasn't too bad. I was able to get her a few shirts. And yes, they say, "HOLLISTER" all over them.

The salesgirl was sweet, but the store was probably what it's like to drop acid in the Tiki Room at Disneyland. A bad trip. It's like a cave in there! Pitch black. They had track lighting (at least, I think that's what it was) set up and aimed at all the merchandise. You could see the merchandise, but really nothing else. Plus, the music was blaring so loudly that I couldn't hear myself think! It was all just too much, between the dark corners and the bright lights scattered around and the loud, booming music. And the SMELL. I guess I got a little used to it for the 20 or so minutes I was in there. After I left and pulled my 'finds' out of their bag to show my mom, I realized that they SMELL LIKE THE MALL. UGH! My head still hurts.

HEY...maybe the mall owns stock in Advil or something. That place certainly makes me need a couple!

Heading back through the mall was also a bit of a challenge. People tend to travel in large groups at the mall, and they all seem to want to walk shoulder-to-shoulder. I guess they think that they are 'mall pace cars' or something. No one can pass them unless they are willing to dart over a bench or around a kiosk or something.

How is it that these people seem like they have all the time in the world??? Do they have nowhere else to be???

When I was almost at the exit, I realized that it really had been a good idea to pull my knitting project out of my purse and leave it in the car. I might have been tempted to STAB SOMEONE with my DPNs.

See? The maul brings out a side in me that I really don't care for! My mind wanders in some dark, scary places. I was shaking by the time I got out of there. Partly because of my nerves, partly because I hadn't had lunch yet. I hit a drive-thru and continued my errands.
The rest of my stops were uneventful. And the voices in my head are calming down a bit now. YAY!!!
WAIT! I have a child that's turning THIRTEEN tomorrow. CRAP! I just might be seeing the last of 'uneventful' huh? That reminds me....I need more Advil...


Anonymous said...

LOL...Just wait it gets even better..

Lisa said...

OMG!! You describe the maul so vividly (and accurately) that I now have that after-maul headache, too!!

What is it with those morons who insist on bathing in cologne? I mean, wouldn't good ol' water be cheaper (and less offensive to one's proboscis).

I wasn't gonna be the one to say it, but you brought it up first. Teenagers!! You'll need plenty of Advil ... booze ... tranquilizers ... or all three ... to survive the experience. At least if the Aliens take over your precious daughter like they did mine.

Keep strong (and wear nose-plugs while in the Maul).

Meri said...

Get ready to start apologizing to your parents for all the annoying things you did when you were a teenager. I've already done it a couple of times to my parents.

Kat said...

Lordy, I can't believe she is turning 13! How is that even possible???

Much to my chagrin, after I moved to Indianapolis I found out that I live less than a mile from the 2nd largest mall in Indiana, so you can imagine the traffic that clogs up the street as I'm trying to get home! I never go to the mall myself, for all the reasons you stated! Even in high school I never liked going to Fashion Fair with my friends.

Tell Miss "13YO" I said HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Shakes said...

I was just at our mall today, and I did subject myself to going outside the sears department store into the "mall" but we went straight to the candy store (we know the manager so we go in when we get photo's taken) then straight back to Sears to leave. our mall has a hollister, and it's not wheel chair accessable, they literally have to move stuff so anyone in any wheel chair device can enter!!

Thankfully my nieces and kids are still young enough that I can get away with shopping at Target!