October 24, 2009

Me and My 'Cowboy'

I certainly can't speak for everyone else's marriage, but I can see how this song can ring a bit true for so many of us.

There is so much to be said for dating, courtship, and being a newlywed. It's like a BIG DEAL. There's also a lot to be said for growing old with someone. That's like the ultimate for a lot of people. But, the journey to get there isn't always (Read: USUALLY or EVER) easy. But, for most people, the space between the beginning and the end is HUGE and not always the part we want to talk about.

While I can certainly identify with this song,I can't say it totally rings true for me. I can't say my husband is out 'having a beer' when he's not home with me. He's working. He's doing his job the best he can so that I can stay home with the kids. That was something that was important to both of us going into this whole 'arrangement.' Granted, if I had to go back to work tomorrow to make our lives better I totally would. I believe in doing what is best for one's self and their families when it comes to working outside the home. But even agreeing on that puts us in the place where our jobs are not 'equal' and never will be. They are both measured in completely different ways and it's so easy for each of us to feel as though we're getting the short end of the stick at one time or another. Plus, he's a man and I'm a woman. We are wired in completely different ways and to hold out hope that we'll ever completely understand one another is just setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Okay, back to my point. What I'm saying is that the big 'middle' section of a marriage isn't all that talked about. They don't usually tell you how easy it is to settle into a rut and how sucky things can get sometimes. And that's okay. I mean, it's not okay to want to stay that way forever, but it doesn't make your marriage BAD if you have your fair share of bad days as a couple.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong here, but I think it's actually okay to have days where your partner comes home and you're thinking, "OH. It's you. AGAIN." Perhaps the divorce rate is so much higher than it needs to be because people give up too easily. But, life happens and (often) so do kids and inlaws and jobs and money worries and the clock just keeps on ticking an you can feel like all you do is run and try and sometimes you really don't know if you're ever really getting anywhere at all.

But it will almost always get better...if you let it!

I am probably more guilty than many people of staying in my own 'corner' of the relationship, not willing to really give anything but angry if I think that he's not giving me anything either. If you ask my husband, he'd tell you that keeping to myself is what I'm probably best at. He knows to not try to play 'silent treatment' with me. I'll win. Partly because I do truly believe that, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Sadly, it can take so much longer than it should to say something nice if I don't put a little effort into it. The other part of my reasoning stems from my own stupid stubbornness. It's a wonder there is any brain in my head at all with how thick my skull can be!

But, more than anything, it helps to just trust myself. I did, after all, choose to marry this man. I wasn't held at gunpoint or anything like that. Neither was he. I was of sound mind and good judgement. And I need to trust that on the bad days. And it's okay to have bad days. I find it really helps to vent to a friend I can trust, then do something nice for him. Things seem to fall into place when you get the ball rolling in the right direction. At the end of the day, I married a good man who works hard for his family and really does love us. And we will, one day, be that old couple that sits on the front porch yelling at each other...not because we're angry, but because we can't hear as well anymore.

To be honest, things are really good with us right now. I am in no way venting. I was just playing an old cd in my car while driving alone today and just started to think about my 'single days.' There were some fun times, but everything I did back then was just to pass the time to get me where I am right now. I'm a lucky girl, even if I'm not ALWAYS willing to admit it!

Ultimately, I think we're responsible for our own happiness. I honestly think that the secret to happiness is to know and accept that we're not supposed to be happy every single moment of our lives. Besides, how boring would that be, huh? As much as I would love for David to be able to read between the lines (In other words, READ MY MIND) and grant me my every wish before I can even voice it, it's just not possible. And that's okay. Truth be told, I'd probably get bored with that too and take it for granted. And I'd still complain that he turns the television channel to something boring and falls asleep right away with the remote control tightly in his grip. Actually, I'll probably always complain about that. But, instead of just complaining, I learned to knit. Unless it's something I specifically want to watch, I've learned that I could care less about what's going on in the glowing box and find something better to do with my time. We're both happier that way.

Besides, I'd rather save the arguments for the more important things, like where he chooses to squeeze the toothpaste tube and how he doesn't change the toilet paper roll when he replaces it, but just sets the new roll on the counter. You know, the big stuff!

1 comment:

Cali Mom said...

Great post Leann. I can truly relate and this you have a great attitude.

Yes, the years in the middle stretch out but are rarely addressed.

Keep up the great attitude. My husband found a book for us called, "How to keep the love you want" (I think that's the title) Great book and really helps with connecting to your mate.

Hugs,

Kassy (Calimom)