October 7, 2008

A Letter to My Enemies

Dear Clothing Designers,

Let me start off by thanking you for the things you have done right, jeans-related anyway. The whole 'boot-cut minimizing the appearance of the size of one's butt' thing....LOVE THAT. Lowering the rise of jeans to also help with said appearance.....ANOTHER GOOD THING. However, I believe you have taken the concept a bit too far now.

I have three kids. I think I'm speaking for a lot of people here when I say that things aren't exactly where they should (or used to) be. Things on me need a bit more support and camoflauge than ever before. And I believe it's only going to go downhill from here.

I am very tired of always worrying about what I am showing the world when I bend over or squat down in public. I am also tired of being able to see things on other women that were not meant to be seen in public. Maybe they do mean to show the world their thong underwear and/or their buttcrack.....I mean, they have to at least feel a breeze or something, dontcha think? Maybe they just don't care. Whether I'm in the grocery store and have a child's shoe to tie or I drop my keys and have to pick them up, I am tired of using one hand to perform the task while the other hand is feeling the back of my waistband, making sure that there isn't anything exposed that shouldn't be.

You see, I know you guys made the rise on jeans even lower for a reason. That can be flattering. But somehow, most of you failed to make the shirts a bit longer. You must know that long, fitted shirts tend to also flatter one's figure by lengthening the torso. You have to know that! Longer shirts also make a girl feel more comfortable wearing those low-rise jeans that seem to be all you can find in the stores these days. So, the combination of things in my closet almost always results in the exposure of my saddlebags, muffin top, or underwear of choice that day.

There must be a change. And soon.

Now, I don't expect the jeans to go back to the 'MomJeans' from the past. Frankly, we never need to go that far back and I really hope that we never have to see that again. Those were horrible! They made the small butts look big and the bit butts look even bigger! All I'm asking for is just another inch or two...enough to cover my buttcrack in any position I might find myself, thankyouverymuch. I need to cover my lovehandles and muffin tops so that they don't runneth over, you know? I think the rest of the world would thank you, too.

Don't make me beg. More importantly, don't make me kneel down on my knees or any other part of me. Chances are you'd see more than you bargained for in the transition. I think the only time I've ever not been completely bothered by the low rise jeans exposure was when the lady sitting on the ground in front of us and she had a tattoo. A tattoo with lots of words. I must admit that David and I both struggled to try to read the words on the tramp stamp on the lady wearing the low-rise jeans and sitting on the ground in front of us. Low-rise jeans and sitting on the ground do not go well together! I'm not sure if it was more difficult for David and I to figure out the last few words on the bottom (though we were thankful we couldn't actually see any more!) or to not make it obvious that we were trying to see down the pants of a stranger.

HEY....DON'T JUDGE ME! It was something to read, and reading is always a good thing, right?
So, designer people, I hereby refuse to buy any more jeans that are so low that all heaven and earth can see my glory. You'd better get crackin'! (And I wasn't even trying to be 'punny' here, I promise!) I think a lot of people are waiting for them.
Leann I Am
P.S. If you happen upon a design that makes my butt look like it did when I was 17, you'll have a customer for life!

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